|My real resolution is to quit stealing images from google|
It’s December 21st, 2012 and the world didn’t end. I always assumed I didn’t have to celebrate Christmas this year because I’d be fighting to survive the apocalyptic aftermath that society had become. Life would be simpler. Food. Shelter. Survival. So I’m racking my head trying to figure it out -- what now? Where should a twenty-four year old be? My ever-changing field of work and my incessant lack of emotional relationships constantly have me wondering if I’m doing it wrong. It’s tough turning another calendar year and finally realizing we’re all just as insecure as fourteen year-old girls with bad cigarette habits. It’s even tougher when we realize there’s still a million attributes about ourselves we’d love to improve. So instead of making one easily breakable resolution I’m going to make several. I like to diversify.
1) More Reality Television
I’m the biggest hypocrite in the world, and I plan on changing that. I loathe Reality TV but I work in Reality TV. I am finally taking full responsibility for my actions and unintentional mind molestation of America’s youth. I am not quitting the reality television industry. (I like the money they pay me.) No I’m doing the opposite. I’m embracing it whole-heartedly. Honey Boo-boo is here to stay god damnit and I’m going to watch every pitfall in that little darling’s life. When people ask me if I’ve seen the new episode of Real Housewives of whatever location these housewives are currently being filmed, (I’d liked to see the Real Housewives of Apache Junction.) I’m going to openly and excitedly admit that I have.
I’ve thought about killing my facebook account for many months now but I keep coming back to the conclusion that it’s a stupid idea. The world has moved on. It’s gone digital. But there’s a reason why I live out of state from my middle school friends. I didn’t like them in middle school, and I don’t like them now. (So if you’re reading this- I’m not sorry) Its time to stop feeding my friend request button with “accept” when deep down inside, what should be a soul, I don’t give a shit. Why do we constantly need approval from peers we no longer know? Save yourself the internal scrutiny by the people you don’t talk to and just let it the urge to be their “friend” escape your psyche. We’ll all be better for it.
3) I’m No Longer Reading Shitty Literature
We’ve all been there. You have an ounce of marijuana and a copy of Bram Stoker’s Dracula. After about two- days of reading and eating Flaming-Hot Cheetoh’s you run out of pot and realize that Dracula is the most boring book ever written. (Also incidentally the same time I quit smoking marijuana) Why did I decide to read Dracula over anything else ever written? It’s because college professor’s and literature connoisseurs created a canon of blasphemously boring books that they guilt trip us into reading. I will no longer read Shakespeare, Faulkner, Stoker, or Dickens, and I’ll take my Chuck Palahniuk to go please.
4) Drink more Whiskey
I like Whiskey.
5) Listen to More Kanye West
I’m a friend to a lot of intelligent and opinionated people, so I often mask my love for certain genres of books, music, movies ETC… But not anymore. Kanye West is the voice of our generation and I intend to listen to every fucking song he’s ever rapped in (Including is auto-tune album). This also applies to Rick Ross, Dethklock, and Lady Gaga. (Musicians I will not be listening to include: Fun, Bruce Springsteen, and Maroon-5.) So I will extend a quick apology to the people I DO care about and promptly tell them to suck it. Fun was better when they were called The Format and Bruce Springsteen is the boss of singing about shitty relationship metaphors.
6) Fuck Dancing
I’ve been suckered into my last dance club and alcohol-ed into my last salsa interpretation. I’m done. I’ve always hated dancing and I’m no longer doing it. If it requires me to be one more drink sober on Saturday night then I’ll make that sacrifice. You’re pretty but my balls are blue and I have no rhythm. Save us both the disappointment.
7) Write More Short Stories
I’m making a vow to write more short stories. I don’t care if people read them. (Which they rarely do)
Now in seriousness
As we grow older and embrace the adult we’ve come to be let’s all stop bullshitting one another. Let’s make resolutions we intend to keep. Let’s stop vocalizing our dreams to the masses so maybe for once they come true. Let us quietly look back on what has been a pretty mediocre year and shut the fuck up. We all know what we need to improve on-- Quit fucking jinxing it. The Mayan’s were predictably wrong but when I look at the news, what happened in Connecticut, Aurora, Oregon, I kind of wish they weren’t. Let’s start holding ourselves accountable. Let’s do better as a people because I believe in people. There’s a lot I don’t believe in and a lot I do wrong. But I do believe in people. So let’s not take a page from my book. Let’s take a moment of silence this New Year. Let's shut our fucking mouths and do better. For the sake of us. For the sake of people.