Monday, July 25, 2011

Air Travel

Much more true to life than we all realize.

I am sitting there contemplating the word “Swag”. Why is it popular? It sounds like a word used to describe the sweat that drips from my inner thigh during a sweltering summer day. Then I get kicked in the side. Again. And Again.  I have been flying for six hours with six more to go, and this fucking five year old hasn’t slept one minute. His mom is all smiles as she apologizes to me in broken English. She thinks it’s cute. I think it’s annoying. Not that I can sleep anyway. Sleeping in public never worked for me. I always hear stories about people in getting decapitated on the bus and terrorists taking over airplanes, so sleep never happens. Instead I sit there for hours on end trying to figure out why the word “swag” is being used as an adjective.

“Swagtastic” “Swagerific” “SWAG” Fuck you pop culture.


It’s cliché and overly analyzed by every comedian but I still can’t help myself from writing about how terrible long flights can be.

1)   It’s physically impossible to not get bumped in the arm by every fucking person that walks by the aisle. The aisle seat is vastly overrated unless you’re a 120-pound women who can cross her legs and keep her shoulders inside the confines of your 48-inch prison.

Should I feel bad about putting both of my arms on the armrest? Should I feel even worse about reclining my seat the six inches it actually lets me recline? What the hell is the point of having that feature? They make you sit up every time there is a meal AND during take off/landing.  This is about 60% of the flight. Something I also fail to understand, what does it matter if you’re sitting up or not?

Why do we have to wear seat belts ever? The seat belt won’t save us from a plane crash. We aren’t going to spastically flying out of our seats. If the plane ends up barrel rolling it or flying upside down I’ll just assume my death and die on the roof instead of my rightful position next to the fat ass hogging up the middle seat.

2)   How about that Airplane food?

I’m sorry but I don’t mind the airplane food. It’s not the best, no not at all, but they’re preparing it with hot water on a metal dolly in in a five-foot cubicle. I bet these women are AMAZING cooks when introduced to a full kitchen. OR maybe they’re awful. Maybe they can only cook like soldiers in war and their husbands make them eat out every night. All I know is that I enjoy it.

            Besides. There are free drinks.
On international flights they serve free alcohol. Well I will rephrase that. I’m sure the free beers come some where from the 1300-dollar ticket price, but I’m trying not to think about this negatively. I paid for a ticket, not for beer. It was free godamnit.

So drink and drink slowly, because they’re keeping tabs on you. I had to be very convincing to receive my fourth jack and coke. 

            “You’ve had three already sir, you have to wait a couple hours.”

“But I’ve been drinking, (CHECKS THE TIME OF THE MOVIE) an hour and twenty minutes. Three Jack and Cokes in an hour and twenty minutes would hardly make a twelve-year old drunk.”
“I don’t know sir.”
“Just one more. To finish my movie with.”
“I guess.. One more.”

It’s not like they were doubles. Those mini bottles hold no more alcohol than a packet of vanilla extract.

                        And then I was buzzed.

3)   The in flight entertainment has been stepping up it’s game in the past      couple years. Not only can I movie marathon it, watching three in a row, they had a pretty solid variety to select from. And when I was tired of the Green Hornet (Which let’s be honest, happened in the first twenty minutes) I could play Tetris against fellow passengers. And I fucking KILLED this twelve year old at seat 21-J. 

4)   “But this is about how flights suck, right?”

It was…until I realized that they are cramming 250 people into a small jet powered rocket ship that shoots across the world in a matter of hours. It shoots us across the world as we play Tetris on a small television attached the chair in front of us. We drink “free” alcohol and even get to piss it out into the sky. Ever piss on a cloud? I have.

(I’m not actually certain that airplane restrooms work this way, I’m afraid to ask because I’m secretly hoping that my shit is splattering all over someone’s house every time I use the toilet. Don’t ruin dreams.)

Airlines even have their own catalogue so you can SHOP WHILE YOU FLY. I buy all my gifts through SkyMall.

        5)   “What the fuck is SkyMall?”

SkyMall is the greatest shopping catalogue ever published and the only way to get your hands on one is while flying in a motherfucking airplane.

Do you like pogo sticks? Do you like swimming? Have you ever thought about how much fun it would be to somehow combine the two? SkyMall has an underwater swimming pool pogo stick you can buy. Try finding THAT at your local Sears.

SkyMall basically contracted every top inventor to create products that they can only have the rights to. That’s why you can never find the cat litter vaporizer/cat shampooer unless you’re flying SouthWest.

“Cat Shampooer! I hate shampooing my cat!”

So does sky mall. So much so that they found a way to attach a cat shampoo machine to the litter box/vaporizer. How did you ever live without one?

“You’re telling me that the litter gets vaporized?”

Apparently it vaporizes the poop. Just buy the product.

“Man, I love airplanes more and more.”

Me too. Me too…

And then the kid kicked me in the side. I put down my SkyMall magazine and thought, “Why do you have to ruin everything?”

Thank god for Sky Mall.