Tuesday, May 31, 2011

P-90 X

This guy is a Millionaire
After a night’s worth of work and travel I ended up at my sister's house for the weekend. I fell asleep for the night on her couch at three in the morning.  I should rephrase that. I went to sleep at three but woke up at seven. I was awoken by my brother in law foolishly attempting to out-life Tony Horton of the infamous P90X. While the leader and seldomly mentioned hero in the American obesity complex lifted a twenty pound dumbbell across his head, my brother-in-law thought it necessary to lift twenty five pounds. I sat up in exhausted confusion as I tried to figure out why this out of shape knucklehead was secretly competing with a man who INVENTED a work out regimen. He belched for mercy every fourth curl, screamed for help every third tricep extension, it was unbearable to hear and worse to watch. The man was obviously in pain. But yet he pushed away, yelling at the gods as if they told him to left ten pounds more than the two hundred and fifty pound muscle mass on TV. After enough time passed my sympathies faded as his over exaggeration began to wake up the cats. Fucking god damn cats. Fuck you P90X. Fuck you and give me back my three hours of what should have been alcohol induced slumber.

I've never tried the X. Not once. But I have run a mile. I've also been kicked in the balls. From what I can tell P90X is like running the mile while being kicked in the balls.

I'm also pretty sure If I ran a mile every other day I'd be in the same shape that I was in when I was playing high school baseball. Which would be… just good enough. Who the fuck wants to look like Tony Horton any way? (Besides Tony Horton) The guy is falling apart in unnatural muscular form at the weird old age of 53. He needs to be drinking beer, playing golf and looking like peers his own age. Not to mention the fact that…

Tony Horton is a pervert (Oh shit I just mentioned it.)

I used bold font to express this in its own topic because Tony Horton is a huge pervert. I'm pretty sure his wife divorced him years ago and he uses his work out regimen to feel up unsuspecting chicks named Dreya. And the other one. Every time he walks to Dreya and slides his hand ever so gently down her inner thigh or lower back I can see the terror and frustration running through her face-
        "Fucking Tony, doing it again."

Tony smiling-
        "Best. Job. Ever."

He knows exactly what he's doing that Sonofabitch.

Enough is Enough

Work out regimens, yoga, pilates, Atkins, Body By Jake, Richard Simmons, the world would be so much better without these things. Forty year-old mothers everywhere would be drastically better off. (As long as they're already hot. As in MILFS)

        "Remember that ol' weight machine we bought, honey??

        "The clothes rack?"

        "Yeah, why don't you ever use it for fitness?"

        "Body By Jake DVD's were on sale, and I heard P90X was what hip people were using."

        "Yeah... but we have the same thing and it doesn't take control of the television every Sunday morning."   
        "Cheryl lost 25 pounds in three hours!"

        "Cheryl was on cocaine and heroin! She was arrested last week."

I hate when I see pictures of people online or on TV going through the Tony Horton experience and "Getting in shape." ninety-Five percent of the time they look like average people that could probably use another sandwich. Just because you don't have a sixpack on your abdomen doesn't mean you're out of shape.

Is it common knowledge yet that side by side transformation pictures on television aren't real? They're completely different people.

Seriously? These are the same people? 
Look how easy it is to dupe Americans. Everyone knows the real Michael died in 1986. Conspiracy? Only if you want it to be.

What ever happened to going to the gym?

People still do this, right? At what point and age do we fall back on in house DVD workouts? Is there a fat limit or age limit at the gym? Do people subconsciously feel inferior if they lift ten pounds next to someone lifting twenty? Do they feel less of a person if they can only run twenty minutes on the treadmill as opposed to thirty? Clearly I'm just been obvious here but Bally's is making money somehow. They're making millions off of non-committal lazy asses that pay for a membership and never show up.  Get out of the house and quit watching early morning Richard Simmons re-runs you hermit dwelling thirty-something.

Let’s all be fat Americans and call it quits.

What ever happened to the good ol' days when we barbequed every weekend and drank Budweisers out of a can just because it was eleven in the morning. We're American dammit, let's do what American's have already been stereotyped to do. Be fat. Let's be fat and disgusting and eat what we want. Let’s drive big trucks, waste fossil fuels, eat hamburgers, and shoot at things in the wilderness. We’re all going to die eventually, right? What are we working out for? Don't say "It's for me, I do all this so that I can look good for myself." Yeah right. You want to look good so you can bang supermodels. But I have a fool proof plan. If we all say "fuck it", drive big trucks, shoot at things in the wilderness, and drink Budweisers at eleven, there would be no supermodels. Just a bunch of fat Americans. And then... Then the world would be a better place.

The world ran by Alabama. What a world it would be.