What’s in a name? Most people don’t think much about it; after all we’re all individuals right? A name can’t just sum up our existence, right? Aren’t we all beautiful snowflakes, too complex to bear much more than a passing similarity to each other? No. Not really. I’ve noticed over the years that most of the people I see who share names are actually very similar, so similar in fact that I’ve compiled a short list of names and the things I’ve noticed about the people who share them, and of course the parents who named them.
Adam- Wow your parents are really original. How did they ever come up with this one? See: Adam, Reference: The motherfucking bible
Brent/Kent/Ken- Most Brent/Kent/Kens grow up living lives of luxury, driving convertibles to Ivy League schools, sweater tied around their necks. They have an exciting life of working at their father’s law firm and basically contributing absolutely nothing to society, except for the occasional rape charge in college. (She was drunk, you were drunk, she may or may not have been awake. I get it.) Conversely, you may have a career with your local news affiliate as long as you have a catchy last name. See: Kent Brockman, Ken (doll)
Dane- Much like Indiana Jones, your parents named you after a dog. See: Great Dane
Dick- This is supposed to be a nickname for Richard. This is unacceptable. If you were named Richard then fucking use Richard. Or Rich. Other names that are also unacceptable include: Cock, Penis, Weiner, Johnson (as a first name), Butt Blaster, and Jimmer-Jammer. How Dick became the shortened version of Richard is beyond me. The only people, acceptably referred to as “Dick”, are Richards older than fifty, because they’re seniors. I’m still damned sure they were made fun of thirty years ago. See: Dick Van Dyke, Reference: Two terrible names
Dustin- Ah, the dirty Justin. Whereas most Justins are forgettable nobodies, everyone will always remember you… as the guy with the drugs. Dustin’s are also well known thieves and small time douchebags. Don’t worry people will still put up with you as long as you have the good shit. See: Dustin Diamond
Jimbo- Far, far worse than a Jim is the Jimbo. You are probably so undereducated that you likely can’t even read this article. Ironically condoms were actually invented as a humane way to prevent people like you from breeding and you’ve probably never even seen one.
Jim- You likely enjoy Nascar and “cold ones”.
While some Jims can be almost as respectable as their cousins the Joe’s, most seem to have more of a “country” flair to them, leading to broken TVs and fleets of broken down cars and car parts sitting on their front lawns. Throw out the carburetor sitting on your daffodils and keep the furniture inside the house.
Jimmy- Grow the fuck up.
Joe- You are the backbone of America. From mechanics to diners, truckers to farmers, and teachers to sports legends Joes can be found in all walks of life. You sir are America. (See: Joe the plumber, Eat at Joe’s, Joe Namath, G.I. Joe)
Joey- You are a former boy band singer or Matt Leblanc the lovable scamp from TV’s Friends. These are the only Joeys ever. See: Joey (Fat one) Fatone, Matt Leblanc
Justin- You’re a pretty average guy who doesn’t really excel at anything, but that’s ok. I’m sure someone out there loves you. See: Justin Beiber
Michael- Your parents were religious or you just think you’re some kind of fancy pants. Chill the fuck out, conform, shorten your fucking name, and become a Mike already. See Michael Bolton, Michael
Mike- Ah, good old Mike. Talk about originality. The most popular American name in the past twenty years, your parents suck. Everyone knows a Mike, likely even two or three. You are never the center of attention but instead the second string guy in any situation. You are always down to hang out but never the one to do the inviting. Most people consider you to be a good friend but not their best friend. Oh well, at least nobody usually has anything negative to say about you. See: Mike Myers, Mike Ditka
Mikey- Grow the fuck up.
Ryan- You are likely the coolest guy ever. See: Ryan Seacrest, Ryan Reynolds.
Samuel- Few and far between. Your parents were religious or you are an American patriot/badass. Most popular quote by a Samuel in the past decade, “I’m tired of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!” See: Samuel Adams, Samuel L. Jackson.
Skyler- Clearly, the whitest, most suburban name EVER. Your parents grew up in Rancho Cucamonga, your parent’s parents grew up in Rancho Cucamonga, and you grew up in Rancho Cucamonga. You drive a truck and play on the tennis team. You use words and phrases like “Killer”, and “I’m going to ask Sarah to the winter formal.” You will most likely go to state college and slowly come to the realization that everybody hates your name, but you kill them with kindness so they have trouble hating you. So you join the Ultimate Frisbee team and begin a lucrative career in hosting financial pod casts that cater to accountants and real estate agents. This is also a girl’s name.
Stephan- Let me guess, you study philosophy and read a lot of Faulkner. You watch really old movies, and swear to god the best actor in the fucking universe is Humphrey Bogart. It doesn’t get much more pretentious than this. I actually doubt that this is your real name, likely you use it to try and schmooze with women. Button up your fucking shirt and start going by Steve. See: Stephan (Urkel)
Walter- You were likely born around the 1920s. You use words and phrases like “skirt, dame, rag-time, back in my day, and them damn pecker-heads.” Are you actually using the internet? Good for you! I hope the nurses aren’t sifting through your wallet. See: Walter Matthau, Walter Cronkite
By: Octopus Inc. AKA Ryan Eldredge