Monday, February 21, 2011

Trending Why?


This asshole won MVP at the celebrity All Star game.
Justin Bieber   

I’m a little late, I know. I’ve been putting this off, because, well, I just thought he’d go away. But he didn’t. I also stayed away from commenting about Justin Bieber the “teensation”, because what’s there to say about a privileged teenager that makes a multi-million dollar documentary about his struggles growing up in the rough and tumble suburbs of Ontario Canada? Poor Justin Bieber. The teenage millionaire, robbing the pockets of parents everywhere. Just when you finish buying your daughter his latest album he takes the gun from your head and jabs it into your gut. Bieber and his manager must have sat down and thought REALLY hard how to make another thirty million dollars before he turns seventeen.   

FACT: Justin Bieber has more money than your entire family will ever make collectively.

“Well, at least he’s talented.” 

FACT: Justin Bieber is the stupidest sixteen-year-old on the face of the Earth.

Let’s all thank Rolling Stone for exposing the teen icon for how fucking retarded he actually is. 

Bieber on healthcare: 

"You guys are evil." "Canada is the best country in the world.” "We go to the doctor and we don't need to worry about paying him, but here, your whole life, you're broke because of medical bills. My bodyguard's baby was premature, and now he has to pay for it. In Canada, if your baby's premature, he stays in the hospital as long as he needs to, and then you go home."   

Justin Bieber refuses to become an American citizen because of our health care laws. If Justin Bieber can afford an entourage of bodyguards, he can afford health care, and his bodyguard’s baby’s health care. He is extraordinarily proud of his Canadian heritage but fails to realize that Canada is practically America.

“Aboot” aside.   

Differences include: French instead of Spanish, Health Care, and a two-year difference in drinking age.

When asking any country other than France about Canada, they refer to Canadians as “Those American Bastards.”   

Beiber on politics: 

"I'm not sure about the parties" "But whatever they have in Korea, that's bad." 

Yes, Justin Bieber just lumped democratic South Korea with the Dictatorship directly above them. OK, mistakes happen.   

Lets move on.  

Bieber on abortion:  

"I really don't believe in abortion, It's like killing a baby."

“How about in cases of rape?” 

"Um. Well, I think that's really sad, but everything happens for a reason.”

Justin Bieber speaks as if he’s never really graduated from the fourth grade. He has trouble formulating a semi-intelligent response to simple questions my seven-year old cousin would definitely have better input on. We don’t have health care in America. No. We do have history, social studies, and geography though. Pick up a fucking book.   

FACT: You are all contemplating suicide by lethal injection to the genitals after reading Bieber’s quotes. 

ALSO: Please, for the love of god, don’t try to prove to me that he is just an average teenager; if he is the representative of what the next generation’s average teenager is learning then we are fucked. This world is doomed. I’m commandeering a yacht, sailing it to an island somewhere, and waiting out the inevitable rape of our society.   

Cup Cakeries 


It started a couple years ago and expanded into an unknown phenomenon. Cupcakes. Well, Cup Cakeries. They started popping up everywhere. People are going crazy for cup cakes. I. don’t. get.  it. Every morning for work, driving down Highland BLVD, I can spot at least five places that specialize in cupcakes. Cake batter cooked at 400 degrees inside muffin treys. CUPCAKES. 

Cupcakes are what bored moms make their kid’s 3rd grade class when it’s someone’s birthday. You don’t specialize in cupcakes. Nobody wants to go out for Sunday cupcakes. I don’t look at my watch and think, “ TWO-THIRTY! It’s cupcake time!” I’m not saying cupcakes aren’t delicious. It just seems ridiculous we’re devoting entire bakeries to cupcakes. What the fuck? 

Fancy Coffee Shops  


Starbucks isn’t enough anymore. People aren’t satisfied grabbing a coffee to go. The coffee shop has to be “trendy”. They have to use organic coffee beans native to Peruvian jungles, harvested from local tribesmen using skin sacks knitted from only the BEST horsehide. A local celebrity HAS to endorse the shop as their favorite coffee spot, they HAVE to have wireless Internet powerful enough to support fifty hipsters at once, and they HAVE to serve mocha-chai-cuh-chino lattes. 

Get a fucking job. Go to a regular coffee shop. Quit sitting around with your goddamn ear buds plugged into your Macbook, drinking a green tea latte, smugly pretending to write. Fuck you. I’ve tried to go to a coffee shop to “hang out” twice, both times someone was sitting there “wikipedia-ing” how to look like an asshole in a coffee shop. Therefore I did not get any work done because there was nowhere to sit. Let someone else look like a jobless dick for a change. 

You’ll never be able to sit in a coffee shop, especially if you want to get work done away from home. You might as well fork up the money for that office you’ve always wanted, drink coffee you make yourself. You know? Out of a coffee pot. Like what mom used to do. It’s really not that bad. Cheaper. Makes your apartment smell good. 

ALSO: I’m not entirely upset about the regular people who go to regular coffee places to write, work, meet with someone ETC.. I’m referring to the upscale,“to be seen scenes”, where people go to look cool, and pretend like they’re someone they’re not (Just about any Coffee shop in Silverlake, or West Hollywood). These places BREED incompetence, and just like the cup cakeries, I. Don’t. Get. It. 

For the record, Latte’s are delicious, latte art is useless. Art in my coffee does not make that coffee good.  



3-D EVERYTHING


This movie is 3-D.




We have been mulling around the third dimension for a long time now. In real life and movie theaters. It’s been coming and going for years. I just figured it would die out again, but will it? 3-D televisions, Justin Bieber’s movie (another reason why I hate that little fucker), video games, 3-D everything. Soon we’re going to have 4-D glasses to wear while we walk around the actual three-dimensional world we live in. People are going to be so amazed that you can ACTUALLY touch the trees. They’re real. Like real real. 

After re-reading this. My brother allowed me to realize that 4-D glasses for the real world would be pretty fucking magnificent. We would be exploring the barriers of time and space and expanding the way we view the universe. That said the gimmick of 3-D is still painfully annoying. 

In what fucking world are you comfortable coming home from work just to put on insanely uncomfortable, lopsided, stupid looking glasses, to watch T.V. 

Television is suppose to be easy, two dimensional, a world away from the world we came from. Once you add 3-D to the mix it complicates everything. Besides, three-dimensional T.V. doesn’t look ANYTHING like what you get at the theaters. 

Side Note: 

Please stop making 3-D movies! They’re horrible. They hire a shitty writer, who writes a terribly shitty script, who then gives it to a shitty director, who in order to make the studios happy, AND get his movie actually made, turns it into a 3-D slasher porn. The result is one poorly crafted film advertised as an “experience” created and distributed solely to make money. Scam. 

(If I can get a job writing or directing a 3-D movie I’d do it in a second. I’m kind of a whore, and hypocrite. Suck it.) 

SMART PHONES
Too young for a phone.
Smart Phones, I-phones, Androids, Everything. All of these phones do exactly what my computer at home does. If I need Internet or something to do on the run, I bring my laptop. There is no reason I would EVER need to be on my phone, Internet or twitter account ALL DAY. 

What is this culture’s obsession with telling the entire fucking world where they are, what they're doing, and who they're screwing, all the time? Why do people care so much? Granted, Facebook was a genius invention, a great way to stay in touch or kill down time, but you don’t need to be on it every four seconds. People Facebook/Twitter while at work, on a date, in a car, smoking pot, at the bar, in class, at the grocery store, and on the toilet. It’s a bit much.

(Twitter is the same thing as Facbeook, but it does less, sucks much more.)

Also: Kids younger than sixteen should not have phones. Kids who have phones younger than twelve need to be smacked upside the head.

Correction: Their parents need to be smacked, with a dildo. Hard.

“But what about EMERGENCIES?!”
We were taught great emergency prevention techniques as kids:

1.    Stop, Drop and Roll.
 Successfully stops all fires. No matter what.

2.    Don’t talk to strangers.
Successfully stops all child abduction, molestation, and friend making.

3.    Don’t take candy from strangers. Especially in a van. Even if the van has really awesome flames and graphics on it, like dragons and samurais. Actually. ESPECIALLY if it has dragons and samurais painted on it. 
Stops all kids from liking candy. Saving your couple extra dollars for coffee or beer. Good trade off.

4.    Don’t put that there.
Reminds kids not to do stupid things with their ligaments.

5.    Don’t fight. 
Prevents kids from inflicting bodily harm on one another.
    
If we can teach our kids these basic prevention rules they will never need a cell phone. They can get one when they start working.



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