It all started when I moved to Los Angeles California. I guess it’s considered one of the fashion centers of the world. I guess it’s considered “hip”. I GUESS that if people in Los fucking Angeles are doing it, everybody should. Or maybe they shouldn’t. Yes they shouldn’t. For all I know the fashion trends in Los Angeles are an already growing infection somewhere else. But I digress. These aren’t the fashion trends of the past fifteen minutes but more of the past couple years. A couple years of hell.
Let me be more specific. I’m talking about surface piercings on females between the ages of 18 and 25 who just cashed their first student loan check and decided that a boob job was just “too much” right now. I don’t care if you are the crazy “wants to be a lizard” man on the Maury Povich show. If you are into altering your body with piercings and tattoos to satisfy some inner desire to become another species then by all means surface pierce those horns into your head... You crazy fucking lunatic. But I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about the idiots that screw them into the back of their necks. Their chests. Their faces. They look like birth defects that shouldn’t be there- Moles that should have been surgically removed due to the likely chance of cancerous cells building within them. And how does anyone appreciate that? How do you appreciate them if you can’t even see them? What is the spiritual purpose of having a ball piercing sticking out the back of your neck? Is it a mark of stupidity? I think it just might be.
Unacceptable tattoos consist of:
Butterflies on the ankle, anything on the ankle, barbed wire bicep tattoos, ass tattoos, cock tattoos, paw print tattoos, tattoos of Bart Simpson, tattoos that say “mom”, tattoos that you drew yourself, tattoos of your kid’s face, tattoos of your girlfriend’s face, tattoos that have your girlfriends name, wife’s name, mistresses name, tattoos with any name aside from your own (if you have this tattoo you are conceited), and of course- don’t get a tattoo of your last name on your upper-back in old English, please god, do not get that.
If you have any of these tattoos you are extraordinarily boring, uncreative, and simply “lame”. Also, if you have an upper-back last name tattoo and you are not Latin in any way, please shoot yourself in the face.
Flannel T-Shirts have popped up just about everywhere a college is located. Males between the ages of 19 and 26 are OBSESSED with flannel. Which I would almost understand, being that flannel is pretty comfortable, but then these young adults started wearing them mid summer, ninety-degree weather, fully buttoned.
When you gather a group of twenty- twentysomethings and they are all wearing flannel, they might as well be in line for the Lumberjack convention, because they look like fucking lumberjacks. Ladies, do you find flannel attractive? Is that why guys have six or seven long sleeve flannel shirts in rotation for the week? What ever happened to knee-less jeans and tank tops? Are we really that deprived of outfits? Let’s get inventive and change up what we wear. I’m tired of being a part of the Brawny Man culture- Beards and Flannel.
There is a HUGE reason why the nineties died in a hurry. Grunge music, underground concerts, Nirvana creating a whole new brand of rock n’ roll. The nineties were great. For the most part. And then people starting wearing flannel all over the place in some sort of misguided tribute to Kurt Cobain, who just couldn’t stand seeing it anymore. I’m not saying the end of the decade killed the nineties, that would be.. logical. I’m saying flannel killed the nineties, and music, and quite possibly Kurt Cobain.
UGG “Ugh” Boots/ Scarves
Every female under the age of fifty either owns a pair of Ugg Boots or desperately wants to. In Los Angeles this is fucking uncalled for. Your feet must be a stinky, sweaty, steaming moisture pit of germs. It is NEVER cold enough for boots that resemble something an Eskimo would wear. If you live in Minnesota and own a pair of Ugg Boots that’s fine. But I’m guessing most women in Minnesota own real boots, because they have a REAL need to own ACTUAL boots (As opposed to Ugg Boots, which are not real boots).
Just stop doing it, it makes you look retarded, it’s not cold enough for them, and shopping at JC Penny is not the same as trekking the Alaskan Frontier.
The only thing worse than wearing these awful boots is when they are accompanied by scarves. Or better yet, the new fashion crazy Iranian version of scarves referred to as Keffiyehs. Of course you don’t need it. Don’t wear it. Especially don’t wear it with a vest and no sleeves. A scarf, Ugg Boots, and vest with no fucking sleeves. Bare armed. Why are you dressing for warmth and failing to remember a sleeved shirt? I hate you. You are not fashionable. You are illogical.
Suit Jacket/ Blazer
We’ve all ran into this motherfucker. He wears a suit jacket with jeans and a Pennywise T-Shirt. He really likes to “Party” and everyone assumes he left his suit at the dry cleaners. What he’s really trying to say is that he’s wealthy. So females must be all over him wherever he goes because he’s so rich he can afford to wear a suit jack everywhere. What’s really happening is that all of this is inside of his mind.
After driving to his grandfather’s house for his weekly visit he accidentally heard Little Wayne, AKA “lil” Wayne, on the radio’s legendary top 40-play list. Never being exposed to black people music, some strange feeling overcomes his fragile, sheltered, suburban head- for he’s twenty now, not a little boy. Why does he have to visit his dying grandfather? What about his sister Thelma? She was always the spoiled one, the loved one. The younger of the two and clearly the most loved. But not this week. He peers into the back of his 2010 Prius and there it is. His grandfather’s suit. The one he picked up from the dry cleaning. (His grandfather wears a rotation of classic suits) Why, he won’t miss one little suit, he’s old.
So there it was, Little Wanye on the mind and a suit in the back seat, this young man decided to take the University world by storm, pissing away his Great Lakes loan checks on Vodka Red Bulls for any lady that would give him a look of satisfaction. (Which in reality was a look of disgust.) Never owning, or wearing a suit, he just assumed that the jacket would be enough...
And that is the story about the kid who wears a blazer for no fucking reason.
You are a man, and like most men, you have genitals. Stop wearing skinny jeans. One: Everyone can see your cock. Two: You will probably never have children, because the lack of blood circulation to your testicles has killed any semen producing power your once fertile ball sack could possibly have had (Although I doubt men who wear skinny jeans could even produce semen in the first place). And you look dumb. How do you take yourself seriously? You put on these scrotum huggers, look in the mirror and really think to yourself that this is appropriate attire? Save your dignity.
Leave your girlfriend’s pants at your girlfriends, and stop shopping in the women’s section.
Hasidic Jews/ Amish People
Talk about looking ridiculous.
I’m lumping these two groups into one, and forget about the religious indecency. Who gives a shit about that? The bible is make believe and god reminds me of Santa Claus. This is simply about fashion, these two groups are fashion “no nos”, and “OMG” on yahoo.com would agree with me.
Where do I start? How about dressing in clothing produced in this century. You don’t live on a Nebraskan farm 100 years ago. This 2011. Who the fuck wears overalls anymore? And those hats... Talk about 5 minutes ago. My advice? Cut those two-time ponytails, shave the Osama Beard, and shop at Ross. Ross has cheap, off the back of the truck, outfits that really cater to this generation. Get with the times crazy religious people. Damn.