Monday, February 21, 2011

Trending Why?

This asshole won MVP at the celebrity All Star game.
Justin Bieber   

I’m a little late, I know. I’ve been putting this off, because, well, I just thought he’d go away. But he didn’t. I also stayed away from commenting about Justin Bieber the “teensation”, because what’s there to say about a privileged teenager that makes a multi-million dollar documentary about his struggles growing up in the rough and tumble suburbs of Ontario Canada? Poor Justin Bieber. The teenage millionaire, robbing the pockets of parents everywhere. Just when you finish buying your daughter his latest album he takes the gun from your head and jabs it into your gut. Bieber and his manager must have sat down and thought REALLY hard how to make another thirty million dollars before he turns seventeen.   

FACT: Justin Bieber has more money than your entire family will ever make collectively.

“Well, at least he’s talented.” 

FACT: Justin Bieber is the stupidest sixteen-year-old on the face of the Earth.

Let’s all thank Rolling Stone for exposing the teen icon for how fucking retarded he actually is. 

Bieber on healthcare: 

"You guys are evil." "Canada is the best country in the world.” "We go to the doctor and we don't need to worry about paying him, but here, your whole life, you're broke because of medical bills. My bodyguard's baby was premature, and now he has to pay for it. In Canada, if your baby's premature, he stays in the hospital as long as he needs to, and then you go home."   

Justin Bieber refuses to become an American citizen because of our health care laws. If Justin Bieber can afford an entourage of bodyguards, he can afford health care, and his bodyguard’s baby’s health care. He is extraordinarily proud of his Canadian heritage but fails to realize that Canada is practically America.

“Aboot” aside.   

Differences include: French instead of Spanish, Health Care, and a two-year difference in drinking age.

When asking any country other than France about Canada, they refer to Canadians as “Those American Bastards.”   

Beiber on politics: 

"I'm not sure about the parties" "But whatever they have in Korea, that's bad." 

Yes, Justin Bieber just lumped democratic South Korea with the Dictatorship directly above them. OK, mistakes happen.   

Lets move on.  

Bieber on abortion:  

"I really don't believe in abortion, It's like killing a baby."

“How about in cases of rape?” 

"Um. Well, I think that's really sad, but everything happens for a reason.”

Justin Bieber speaks as if he’s never really graduated from the fourth grade. He has trouble formulating a semi-intelligent response to simple questions my seven-year old cousin would definitely have better input on. We don’t have health care in America. No. We do have history, social studies, and geography though. Pick up a fucking book.   

FACT: You are all contemplating suicide by lethal injection to the genitals after reading Bieber’s quotes. 

ALSO: Please, for the love of god, don’t try to prove to me that he is just an average teenager; if he is the representative of what the next generation’s average teenager is learning then we are fucked. This world is doomed. I’m commandeering a yacht, sailing it to an island somewhere, and waiting out the inevitable rape of our society.   

Cup Cakeries 

It started a couple years ago and expanded into an unknown phenomenon. Cupcakes. Well, Cup Cakeries. They started popping up everywhere. People are going crazy for cup cakes. I. don’t. get.  it. Every morning for work, driving down Highland BLVD, I can spot at least five places that specialize in cupcakes. Cake batter cooked at 400 degrees inside muffin treys. CUPCAKES. 

Cupcakes are what bored moms make their kid’s 3rd grade class when it’s someone’s birthday. You don’t specialize in cupcakes. Nobody wants to go out for Sunday cupcakes. I don’t look at my watch and think, “ TWO-THIRTY! It’s cupcake time!” I’m not saying cupcakes aren’t delicious. It just seems ridiculous we’re devoting entire bakeries to cupcakes. What the fuck? 

Fancy Coffee Shops  

Starbucks isn’t enough anymore. People aren’t satisfied grabbing a coffee to go. The coffee shop has to be “trendy”. They have to use organic coffee beans native to Peruvian jungles, harvested from local tribesmen using skin sacks knitted from only the BEST horsehide. A local celebrity HAS to endorse the shop as their favorite coffee spot, they HAVE to have wireless Internet powerful enough to support fifty hipsters at once, and they HAVE to serve mocha-chai-cuh-chino lattes. 

Get a fucking job. Go to a regular coffee shop. Quit sitting around with your goddamn ear buds plugged into your Macbook, drinking a green tea latte, smugly pretending to write. Fuck you. I’ve tried to go to a coffee shop to “hang out” twice, both times someone was sitting there “wikipedia-ing” how to look like an asshole in a coffee shop. Therefore I did not get any work done because there was nowhere to sit. Let someone else look like a jobless dick for a change. 

You’ll never be able to sit in a coffee shop, especially if you want to get work done away from home. You might as well fork up the money for that office you’ve always wanted, drink coffee you make yourself. You know? Out of a coffee pot. Like what mom used to do. It’s really not that bad. Cheaper. Makes your apartment smell good. 

ALSO: I’m not entirely upset about the regular people who go to regular coffee places to write, work, meet with someone ETC.. I’m referring to the upscale,“to be seen scenes”, where people go to look cool, and pretend like they’re someone they’re not (Just about any Coffee shop in Silverlake, or West Hollywood). These places BREED incompetence, and just like the cup cakeries, I. Don’t. Get. It. 

For the record, Latte’s are delicious, latte art is useless. Art in my coffee does not make that coffee good.  


This movie is 3-D.

We have been mulling around the third dimension for a long time now. In real life and movie theaters. It’s been coming and going for years. I just figured it would die out again, but will it? 3-D televisions, Justin Bieber’s movie (another reason why I hate that little fucker), video games, 3-D everything. Soon we’re going to have 4-D glasses to wear while we walk around the actual three-dimensional world we live in. People are going to be so amazed that you can ACTUALLY touch the trees. They’re real. Like real real. 

After re-reading this. My brother allowed me to realize that 4-D glasses for the real world would be pretty fucking magnificent. We would be exploring the barriers of time and space and expanding the way we view the universe. That said the gimmick of 3-D is still painfully annoying. 

In what fucking world are you comfortable coming home from work just to put on insanely uncomfortable, lopsided, stupid looking glasses, to watch T.V. 

Television is suppose to be easy, two dimensional, a world away from the world we came from. Once you add 3-D to the mix it complicates everything. Besides, three-dimensional T.V. doesn’t look ANYTHING like what you get at the theaters. 

Side Note: 

Please stop making 3-D movies! They’re horrible. They hire a shitty writer, who writes a terribly shitty script, who then gives it to a shitty director, who in order to make the studios happy, AND get his movie actually made, turns it into a 3-D slasher porn. The result is one poorly crafted film advertised as an “experience” created and distributed solely to make money. Scam. 

(If I can get a job writing or directing a 3-D movie I’d do it in a second. I’m kind of a whore, and hypocrite. Suck it.) 

Too young for a phone.
Smart Phones, I-phones, Androids, Everything. All of these phones do exactly what my computer at home does. If I need Internet or something to do on the run, I bring my laptop. There is no reason I would EVER need to be on my phone, Internet or twitter account ALL DAY. 

What is this culture’s obsession with telling the entire fucking world where they are, what they're doing, and who they're screwing, all the time? Why do people care so much? Granted, Facebook was a genius invention, a great way to stay in touch or kill down time, but you don’t need to be on it every four seconds. People Facebook/Twitter while at work, on a date, in a car, smoking pot, at the bar, in class, at the grocery store, and on the toilet. It’s a bit much.

(Twitter is the same thing as Facbeook, but it does less, sucks much more.)

Also: Kids younger than sixteen should not have phones. Kids who have phones younger than twelve need to be smacked upside the head.

Correction: Their parents need to be smacked, with a dildo. Hard.

“But what about EMERGENCIES?!”
We were taught great emergency prevention techniques as kids:

1.    Stop, Drop and Roll.
 Successfully stops all fires. No matter what.

2.    Don’t talk to strangers.
Successfully stops all child abduction, molestation, and friend making.

3.    Don’t take candy from strangers. Especially in a van. Even if the van has really awesome flames and graphics on it, like dragons and samurais. Actually. ESPECIALLY if it has dragons and samurais painted on it. 
Stops all kids from liking candy. Saving your couple extra dollars for coffee or beer. Good trade off.

4.    Don’t put that there.
Reminds kids not to do stupid things with their ligaments.

5.    Don’t fight. 
Prevents kids from inflicting bodily harm on one another.
If we can teach our kids these basic prevention rules they will never need a cell phone. They can get one when they start working.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Shit That Happens to Me

There I am “sitting” in the toilet stall finishing up on, might I say, one of the most awkward shits of my entire life.

The door was busted, so the lock on the stall was questionable. After fidgeting with the door for several minutes, I deemed it OK to use. Not to my surprise the toilet was hideous.

You’ve all been to the bar bathroom: huge puddle of piss on the ground, on the floor, splattered on the toilet. You do your best cleaning lady impersonation with the toilet paper and toilet seat covers, but figures, the toilet seat covers are all gone.

You stack countless amounts of toilet paper around the seat, mummifying it. To no avail, the piss seeps right through it. And now you’re low on toilet paper. Fuck.

Already squeamish about having to sit bare-assed on someone else’s sloppy urination job, I begin to ever so delicately toilet “hover”. Thank god I played baseball in high school because the countless number of wall sits I did trained me for my now- future career in public restroom shit taking.

So there I am, finishing my shit, hovering above the toilet, halfway mid-wipe, and the stall door breaks open. By “breaks” I mean flies WIDE FUCKING OPEN. It takes this dildo a good seven minutes to notice me, he’s on his cell phone, “texting” his way into the bar bathroom, probably to do cocaine. So there I am when he looks down, MUCH to HIS surprise, a small testiculared man trying to wipe his ass. He sees everything there is to see from a guy that is bending over a toilet, pants down below his knees, hand firmly caressing his ever-so-tender sphincter region.

This is the same guy that was sitting right next to me outside the bar, while I’m on a date. Of course I was on a date, it wouldn’t be a complete story otherwise.

“Sorry about that man, real sorry” 
“What did you see?” 
“We’re all men here, nothing we’ve never seen before.”
“Why weren’t you sitting down?”
“Did you sit down?”

Keep in mind this guy was about a hundred pounds overweight, wearing a fedora, a band shirt (Which I believe was a picture of Devendra Banhart, but for the life of me cannot remember), jeans that were too small for him, and flip-flops.

He spent the entire first part of the evening (prior shit experience), talking REALLY loud about which director was better, Jean Luc Godard or Woody Allen. Which absolutely required me to make fun of him in my head. Why, look how the tables have turned. It could have been anyone else in this shitty bar, in a bar full of about a hundred people. It ended up being the fucking guy from outside. The guy that has been reminding me all night that I don’t have a job because pretentious-tards like him are stealing them all, and eating all the craft services.

“Did you sit down?”
“You would”

Safe to say I left short after.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Fashion Trends- That Make Me Puke In My Mouth A Little Bit.

It all started when I moved to Los Angeles California. I guess it’s considered one of the fashion centers of the world. I guess it’s considered “hip”. I GUESS that if people in Los fucking Angeles are doing it, everybody should. Or maybe they shouldn’t. Yes they shouldn’t. For all I know the fashion trends in Los Angeles are an already growing infection somewhere else. But I digress. These aren’t the fashion trends of the past fifteen minutes but more of the past couple years. A couple years of hell.

Surface Piercings

Let me be more specific. I’m talking about surface piercings on females between the ages of 18 and 25 who just cashed their first student loan check and decided that a boob job was just “too much” right now. I don’t care if you are the crazy “wants to be a lizard” man on the Maury Povich show. If you are into altering your body with piercings and tattoos to satisfy some inner desire to become another species then by all means surface pierce those horns into your head... You crazy fucking lunatic. But I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about the idiots that screw them into the back of their necks. Their chests. Their faces. They look like birth defects that shouldn’t be there- Moles that should have been surgically removed due to the likely chance of cancerous cells building within them. And how does anyone appreciate that? How do you appreciate them if you can’t even see them? What is the spiritual purpose of having a ball piercing sticking out the back of your neck? Is it a mark of stupidity? I think it just might be.

Stupid Tattoos

Unacceptable tattoos consist of:

Butterflies on the ankle, anything on the ankle, barbed wire bicep tattoos, ass tattoos, cock tattoos, paw print tattoos, tattoos of Bart Simpson, tattoos that say “mom”, tattoos that you drew yourself, tattoos of your kid’s face, tattoos of your girlfriend’s face, tattoos that have your girlfriends name, wife’s name, mistresses name, tattoos with any name aside from your own (if you have this tattoo you are conceited), and of course- don’t get a tattoo of your last name on your upper-back in old English, please god, do not get that.

If you have any of these tattoos you are extraordinarily boring, uncreative, and simply “lame”. Also, if you have an upper-back last name tattoo and you are not Latin in any way, please shoot yourself in the face.

Flannel Shirts
Flannel T-Shirts have popped up just about everywhere a college is located. Males between the ages of 19 and 26 are OBSESSED with flannel. Which I would almost understand, being that flannel is pretty comfortable, but then these young adults started wearing them mid summer, ninety-degree weather, fully buttoned.

When you gather a group of twenty- twentysomethings and they are all wearing flannel, they might as well be in line for the Lumberjack convention, because they look like fucking lumberjacks. Ladies, do you find flannel attractive? Is that why guys have six or seven long sleeve flannel shirts in rotation for the week? What ever happened to knee-less jeans and tank tops? Are we really that deprived of outfits? Let’s get inventive and change up what we wear. I’m tired of being a part of the Brawny Man culture- Beards and Flannel.

 There is a HUGE reason why the nineties died in a hurry. Grunge music, underground concerts, Nirvana creating a whole new brand of rock n’ roll. The nineties were great. For the most part. And then people starting wearing flannel all over the place in some sort of misguided tribute to Kurt Cobain, who just couldn’t stand seeing it anymore. I’m not saying the end of the decade killed the nineties, that would be.. logical. I’m saying flannel killed the nineties, and music, and quite possibly Kurt Cobain.

UGG “Ugh” Boots/ Scarves

Stop, Don’t.

Every female under the age of fifty either owns a pair of Ugg Boots or desperately wants to. In Los Angeles this is fucking uncalled for. Your feet must be a stinky, sweaty, steaming moisture pit of germs. It is NEVER cold enough for boots that resemble something an Eskimo would wear. If you live in Minnesota and own a pair of Ugg Boots that’s fine. But I’m guessing most women in Minnesota own real boots, because they have a REAL need to own ACTUAL boots (As opposed to Ugg Boots, which are not real boots).

 Just stop doing it, it makes you look retarded, it’s not cold enough for them, and shopping at JC Penny is not the same as trekking the Alaskan Frontier.

The only thing worse than wearing these awful boots is when they are accompanied by scarves. Or better yet, the new fashion crazy Iranian version of scarves referred to as Keffiyehs. Of course you don’t need it. Don’t wear it. Especially don’t wear it with a vest and no sleeves. A scarf, Ugg Boots, and vest with no fucking sleeves. Bare armed. Why are you dressing for warmth and failing to remember a sleeved shirt? I hate you. You are not fashionable. You are illogical.

Suit Jacket/ Blazer

We’ve all ran into this motherfucker. He wears a suit jacket with jeans and a Pennywise T-Shirt. He really likes to “Party” and everyone assumes he left his suit at the dry cleaners. What he’s really trying to say is that he’s wealthy. So females must be all over him wherever he goes because he’s so rich he can afford to wear a suit jack everywhere. What’s really happening is that all of this is inside of his mind.

After driving to his grandfather’s house for his weekly visit he accidentally heard Little Wayne, AKA “lil” Wayne, on the radio’s legendary top 40-play list. Never being exposed to black people music, some strange feeling overcomes his fragile, sheltered, suburban head- for he’s twenty now, not a little boy. Why does he have to visit his dying grandfather? What about his sister Thelma? She was always the spoiled one, the loved one. The younger of the two and clearly the most loved. But not this week. He peers into the back of his 2010 Prius and there it is. His grandfather’s suit. The one he picked up from the dry cleaning. (His grandfather wears a rotation of classic suits) Why, he won’t miss one little suit, he’s old.

So there it was, Little Wanye on the mind and a suit in the back seat, this young man decided to take the University world by storm, pissing away his Great Lakes loan checks on Vodka Red Bulls for any lady that would give him a look of satisfaction. (Which in reality was a look of disgust.) Never owning, or wearing a suit, he just assumed that the jacket would be enough...

And that is the story about the kid who wears a blazer for no fucking reason.

Skinny Jeans
You are a man, and like most men, you have genitals. Stop wearing skinny jeans. One: Everyone can see your cock. Two: You will probably never have children, because the lack of blood circulation to your testicles has killed any semen producing power your once fertile ball sack could possibly have had (Although I doubt men who wear skinny jeans could even produce semen in the first place). And you look dumb. How do you take yourself seriously? You put on these scrotum huggers, look in the mirror and really think to yourself that this is appropriate attire? Save your dignity.

Leave your girlfriend’s pants at your girlfriends, and stop shopping in the women’s section.

Hasidic Jews/ Amish People
Talk about looking ridiculous.

I’m lumping these two groups into one, and forget about the religious indecency. Who gives a shit about that? The bible is make believe and god reminds me of Santa Claus. This is simply about fashion,  these two groups are fashion “no nos”, and  “OMG” on would agree with me.

Where do I start? How about dressing in clothing produced in this century. You don’t live on a Nebraskan farm 100 years ago. This 2011. Who the fuck wears overalls anymore? And those hats... Talk about 5 minutes ago. My advice? Cut those two-time ponytails, shave the Osama Beard, and shop at Ross. Ross has cheap, off the back of the truck, outfits that really cater to this generation. Get with the times crazy religious people. Damn.