Monday, January 17, 2011

College Bars




Ahh… the youth. My youth. The college generation. Parents are not as smart as they think they are. Sending their kids off to college. Off to the debauchery we all consider “higher” education. If your kid was a C student in High School I guarantee he or she will be a C student or worse in college. Do you know what a C student actually learns? Nothing. They pay their junior-class roommate for his old papers and continue a cycle of retardation and extreme debt. What do these young adults actually do with their parent’s hard earned college cash? Learn? Yeah right, they get fake I.D.s and indulge in sex, drugs, and alcohol. Middle class families are morons. Parents, my advice to you, visit the college first. Actually, if you have a sneaking suspicion your kid is slightly retarded, just don’t send that kid to college. Make him or her get a job. Those stupid, ungrateful, sluts. Yes sluts.

The entire college world is just a cesspool of drunken sex and STDs. Any horror story you hear is indeed true. Proven fact: Even if your kid attends Harvard, he or she has an 85% percent greater chance of catching Chlamydia, as opposed to not going to college at all.

Top Schools to avoid if you are looking to stay away from unwanted pregnancy or Syphilis:
1.      ASU
2.      UCSB
3.      SDSU
4.     Florida State.
5.      Any other college you can possibly think of.

College bars are the proving grounds that the first two years of college only made your child stupider and sluttier.

The “scene” is usually one VERY crowded and VERY loud bar. There is dancing, and drinking, and YELLING at the bartender for drink orders. Why do you have to yell one might ask? Well the bar is so god damn loud that you can’t hear your own thoughts, let alone your own drink order. So scream, scream over Ke$ha’s bass bumping, and might I say thought provoking lyrics, at that bar tender for your gin and tonic because god knows you can’t get it any other way.

(Ke$ha is THE worst musician in the past fifteen years. Her music is so unarguably horrible that it’s a natural phenomenon that she’s making millions of dollars. She spells her name with a money sign in place of the “s”. She is everything I hate about the college culture I am describing. The only thing that I hate more is the “hipster” looking fellow that stands by the jukebox either making fun of the selections or picking songs that nobody knows but him. He’s usually very fond of himself, and he usually doesn’t know that everyone hates his guts.)

This is the exact word for word dialogue that I had in a college bar with the bar tender:

“HEY, CAN I GET A NEWCASTLE?!”

“WHAT!?!?!”

“A NEWCASTLE!”

“WHAT!!!!!!?!??? “

“CAN I GET A FUCKING NEWCASTLE?!”

“THAT GUY IS GIVING YOU A HASSLE?”

“OH MY GOD! FUCK YOU!”

“THANKS BRO! THESE ARE NEW SHOES!”

“I JUST KILLED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY”

Now if you can’t even understand a drink order, how the fuck do you strike up a conversation with anyone? Those two just left the bar together, but they sure as hell didn’t come together. Was it the mind-blowing chemistry between the two that made them decide to go to bed together (and wake up awkwardly)? No. No it wasn’t. Because they didn’t even have a REAL conversation. They are idiots.

“I LIKE YOUR BOOBS!”

“THANKS I GOT THEM AT JC PENNY!”

“OH, YOU’RE GONNA GET PLENTY!”

“YOU’RE FASCINATING!”

“DID YOU SAY YOU'RE VAGINATING!?”

Vaginating- I don’t even really want to go to the trouble of defining this word, but my brother, who is a self -taught and aspiring gynecologist, is sure that Vaginating represents the Vagina’s quivering vibration of anticipation. With that said, we must move on.

The truth is, they didn’t know each other, and they didn’t have a conversation. They might have danced together, hell; they danced with the entire bar. They are just slutty individuals taking their college money for granted, spending it on alcohol and getting laid. Yay for the future, I just met my future boss. Fuck myself for my art degree.

By the way, never get a Bachelor’s degree in the arts. It’s stupider than being stupid; making you worse than the motherfuckers you make fun of. You can’t do shit with this degree besides be pretentious and pay off Sally Mae. (Also: Sally Mae is a whore.)

Why does every one at a college bar look exactly the same? What ever happened to the individuality everyone was so god damn persistent about in High School?

“No Mrs. Mars this blue hair and backwards hat is just me. I’m not making a statement; I’m trying to express my individuality.”

(I just puked inside my mouth thinking about the seventeen-year-olds, who for some reason, assume they are “individuals”.)

Average college male: Medium length hair, tilted baseball cap, flannel shirt, cargo shorts/$100 pants, cocky attitude, and in love with shitty beer.

Average college female: Medium length hair, blonde, died blonde or blonde who died their blonde hair blonde again (I know), flannel T-shirts, low self esteem, and surface piercings.

The Monroe: A piercing in the upper part of the mouth and just below the nose, COMPLETELY unattractive. If you wanted it to resemble a shiny mole, then you succeeded. IT LOOKS FUCKING UGLY! Why would you want a shiny mole in the middle of your face? YOUR FACE! In fact, I think this piercing is so astonishingly ugly that it has inspire my next blog article about “styles” in Los Angeles.

“No this isn’t my kid, my kid is great.”

No, it is your kid. I have been there recently, I understand your need for trust, but the good ones turn bad, the bad ones take advantage of the good ones that turned bad, and they all overdose on ecstasy while drinking vodka red bulls in a Las Vegas strip club at least once. But this isn’t about the parents that sent their kids to college, fuck, what else are they going to do? Join the army? Right... I doubt any one of these miserable pieces if shit could last one day being a successful contribution to society. God knows I can’t, and if I can’t do it, they definitely can’t.

Once you turn eighteen it’s up to you, be a responsible reasonable adult, or turn into an idiot-whore that is the stereotype of our generation, *cough*  Ahem-Ke$ha.

Ohhhh... College. The sluttiest, stupidest place on earth. Thank god I went to an art school. Fuck my art degree. 


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