Friday, December 3, 2010

Taco Bell

Most specific food genres tend to be a bit redundant. Take Chinese food for example; noodles, rice, salt, meat, noodles and rice. Now try Italian food: tomatoes, tomato sauce, bread, garlic stuff, noodles, tomatoes, more noodles and pizza. What about Vegan food: shit, shit, shit, and wouldn’t you know it, more shit. Then you have Mexican food. Who ever conjured up the basis that would be the Mexican food menu for Mexican restaurants across the continental U.S. is a lazy fuck. Mexican food consists of tortilla, rice, beans, and your choice of beef or chicken. Now I love Mexican food, it rules my insides, but it kind of hurt a little bit when I realized that a fucking taco could be a burrito if the tortilla was just a little bigger.  OK, I’m being a little hard on the menu’s diversity; we have a variety of Mexican soups and seafoods that are bomb-shizzle off the chain.  But it doesn’t matter, because as long as Taco Bell is considered “Mexican Food”, the entire category of grub will never take it’s rightful position on top of the “Let’s go out to eat” pyramid of food. It should be burritos, pizza, and Chinese food, in that order. 
Side note:  Taco Bell is literally what east coast Americans believe is “Mexican Food”. 
Top reasons why the eastern side of the Mississippi sucks:
  1. New Jersey
  2. The Jersey Shore
  3. The New York Yankees
  4. People with Boston accents
  5. People who still say “Wicked” 
  6. They don’t have Mexican food
(Brooklyn accent) “But we have the best Italian food, betta than Italy. R’ pizza will make ya moms turn lesbian”
Shut up people from New York. Just shut up. Whenever someone tries to explain pizza on the East Coast as opposed to the West Coast I just silence them out and slowly shit my pants. I realize you have good pizza, now stop fucking mentioning it like it’s a religion. If people from New York realized how fucking delicious most of the Mexican food they're missing out on is, they'd probably commit mass suicide. (In all actuality they'll just lie and deny the magnificence that is Mexican food because they're stupid and have some sort of weird loyalty to tomato sauce). 
Now back to my main point. 
Taco Bell
Taco bell must have been created by a mentally unstable scientist/chef/genius/criminal mastermind/chihuaha.        
It’s all the same shit. The fast food restaurant took what was already a repetitive food and basically told half the world to go fuck itself. Every item on the Taco Bell menu is the item above it, below it, or to the left or right of it. They took tacos, wrapped them in burritos. They took tostadas, grinded them up, injected them into tortillas, and made tacos with those tortillas. Taco Bell might be the most eco-friendly fast food restaurant known to man, because it’s impossible to waste ANYTHING. Everything is used for everything. And that’s why Taco Tell poses as my favorite/most hated fast food restaurant of all time. It’s all delicious, it all makes you shit, and it’s all the same stuff.
Everything is rated on a 1-5 scale and tallied up. The higher the number the better Taco Bell experience one will receive when ordering that particular food. 

The Chalupa (My favorite thing on the menu) 


Ahhh… The Chalupa. For when a regular taco just isn’t enough. Do you remember the original Chalupa? It was advertised as regular taco inside a fluffy tortilla. So you would ultimately have two tortillas, a hard shell, and soft shell. People at Taco Bell obviously caught on to the madness and eliminated the inner shell, resulting in our modern day Chalupa. And boy is it glorious. In reality it’s no different from a taco surrounded by Indian fry bread; but the soft pillowy-like tortilla makes great room for jamming as much needless meats and cheeses into the Chalupa as humanly possibly. Great creation Taco Bell. Great creation indeed. 
Deliciousness- 5
Creativity- 5
Absurdity- 5
Amount of hot sauce it can hold- 5
Diarrhea level- 5
Price- 5
Overall- 30
(A great go-to choice, but you can probably get a little bit crazier for your buck.)

The Crunch-Wrap Supreme (What the fuck?) 

Holy shit Taco Bell, you were seriously on your a game when coming up with this one. The Crunch Wrap Supreme (Great naming by the way) is one of Taco Bell’s most interesting creations to date. I was pretty sure this little bad boy was going to be a one and done menu buster, but it survived even the harshest criticism. Now you can have a crunch wrap supreme whenever the hell you want and never have to worry about them getting rid of it. Thanks Taco Bell. And in case you were wondering, yes, it’s a double stacker tostada wrapped up by a tortilla and grilled to perfection. It’s like a burrito, tostada and sandwich hybrid. It basically has all the same ingredients as the Chalupa, and everything else on the menu. But who the fuck cares? It's a crunch wrap Supreme! Fuck yeah! The only problem I see with this creation, where the hell do I squeeze the sauce? Directly into my mouth, that's where. 
Deliciousness- 5
Creativity- 5
Absurdity- 5
Amount of sauce it can hold- 5
Diarrhea level- 5
Price- 5
Overall- 30 (The epitome of what you need to be ordering at Taco Bell)

Enchirito  (Fuck you Taco Bell) 

I hate the Enchirito. For one Taco Bell hardly created anything. All they did was take a wet burrito and re-name it. Props on the marketing, but fuck you deeply. Enchirito= Burrito+Enchilada. In case you are from somewhere that doesn’t serve regular Mexican Food, this can be ordered almost anywhere. It’s technically just a burrito with enchilada sauce. I think Taco Bell is trying to imply that the “Enchirito” is more of an enchilada than a burrito. 
Deliciousness- 5
Creativity- 5
Absurdity- 5
Amount of Sauce it can hold- 5
Diarrhea level- 5
Price- 5
Overall- 30 (Go Chalupa.) 

Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes (Proof that Taco-Bell doesn’t give a fuck) 

What do you do when you run out of ideas for different types of Mexican Food? You fucking create ones that aren’t even Mexican. Potatoes with cheese sauce and sour cream. Hey, if you put “Fiesta” in the name everything’s fair. Those people in the Taco Bell laboratories are insanely effective. 
Deliciousness- 5
Creativity- 5
Absurdity- 5
Diarrhea level- 5
Price- 5
Overall- 30 (Get this on the side, you can’t go wrong.) 

Gorditas (Hey guys? Are we even trying anymore?)


Look Familiar?
How about now? 

Remember that story I told you about the Chalupa once having an inner taco shell, but they went ahead and got rid of it, and the Chalupa officially became the Chalupa? Sometimes I think Taco Bell Executives are playing games with the public. 
Two of the same things with slightly different tortillas.
The only thing that makes the Gordita respectable is that I’m pretty sure you can still order the “Gordita Crunch” which has the hard taco shell in the middle. And god damnit I need that crunch. It’s the reason why I put potato chips in my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Tou-fuckin-che Gordita. 
Deliciousness- 5
Creativity- 5
Absurdity- 5
Amount of sauce it can hold- 5
Diarrhea level- 5
Price- 5
Overall- 30 ( It doesn’t even matter anymore). 

Taco Bell is ridiculous. They have three sauces that you need to drench on everything, and everything tastes the same. 
Side note: They recently came out with two more sauces. I do not understand why. They both taste like shit. Verde (Green) and Roasted. Don’t fix what’s not broken. Mild, hot, and fire. That’s all I need.  
But I digress. 
I am stopping at five because, well, after reviewing my ratings I notice that everything is exactly the same. Much like the meals you are eating. It tastes the same, it costs the same, it looks the same, and it makes you poop the same. Taco bell is winning our hearts with creativity and marketing. 
But I could care less. 

1 comment:

  1. I know this blog is dated, but OMG...Imma Rollin'! So very true, but at the same time, we still eat it now don't we? Hhahahhahaha!

    ReplyDelete