Saturday, November 13, 2010

Winter Sucks a Big One. Get Over It.

Since a lot of my work requires me to be inside, sometimes the weather sneaks up on me. I’ll be working indoors for ten to fifteen hours, walk outside, and it’s fucking raining. Where the fuck did the rain come from? This time: I went to work on November 1st; it was a hundred fucking degrees out. I got out of work on November 6th; it was fucking fifty. Not only was I angry that I worked six days straight without any sleep, I was also pissed that I forgot my jacket. Who the hell thought up weather anyway? God!? What a jerk. But no. No way. This isn’t about weather as much as it’s about seasons, and truth be told, winter fucking sucks. Get over it.

“I love this time of year! I love the changing seasons.”

No, you love how the leaves change color. Go fuck yourself.

“I love the snow.”

No, you love the snow for the first week, then you can’t get into your car, your driveway is blocked in, your kids are at home driving you crazy because of these bullshit snow days, and you’re fucking shoveling piles of white powder on your day off. Eventually these snow piles collect dirt, residue, and snot from your kids, and it ends up turning into frozen wads of what's under your couch. "Oh how pretty. Look at the White snow." For a day. Fuck snow.

“I love the fashion.”

Fashion? You love the winter fashion? What about giant jackets make you look cute? What is it about snow boots that make you comfortable? The only people who like winter fashion are females. Nope. Not even. The only people that like winter fashions are fat people, because they’re fat. (Fat people are cursed with big fat covered bodies. In the winter everyone covers their bodies with giant fat coats. Hence, during the winter all fat people are like regular people. That's why most fat people, like me for example, look to New Years as the only time of the year to get laid. Alcohol + giant coats = surprise bitch.)

“It’s the Holiday season, you Satanist!”

The holidays suck.

1. If you were once doing OK, you are now broke.

2. Let’s play the “How many times can I tell people I’m a loser, without actually explaining my life situation to relatives” game. Keep in mind that we have Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years to get through.

“Sorry Aunt May, I still don’t have a job.”

“No Uncle Sven I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“Grandma, I told you. Stephanie took the kids and I have them every OTHER Christmas.”

3. You never get anyone anything THEY actually like; you never get anything YOU actually like. Save the money, get drunk, invest into the avatar version of a Flesh Light, which will be on sale this Christmas with the promotion of AvatarXXX. If you do not know what a Flesh Light is you're a female and I recommend spending the money on a purse of your choosing.

4. There are too many Holidays to count and too many religions to give a shit about. Let’s play the “how many motherfuckers with a religious rights agenda I can offend” game.

“Merry Christmas to you good sir.”

“SIR, I AM JEWISH! And VERY proud!”

“Sorry, I couldn’t tell. Maybe I should stereotype more.”

“Happy Hanukkah to you good sir”


“You celebrate what!?!”

“Happy Holidays!”

“I’m an atheist and none of this makes sense!!!”

5. Our government controls holidays in order to create consumerism to help benefit the economy. And the ad agencies.

6. Been a long time since you've been home? Do you want to talk to everyone from your old High School? Me neither, High School sucked.

7. Also, how creepy is the idolization of Santa Clause? We tell kids not to talk to strangers, but are completely fine letting them think it's okay for a fat man in a jump suit to come barreling down our chimney's. So we can't talk to strangers until they break into our houses. "Sorry all of our shit is gone Santa Clause took it." Or a man that looked like Santa Clause. Talk about setting bad habits.

“It’s about family.”

Is it? Is it really? I love my family enough to schedule a time to see them with or without Christmas. Unless they live out of country. Then I will not.

“It’s about giving!”

Probably an ad you read once, and it stuck, because that’s their fucking job.

What about after the Holidays? Where are we then? Three months of MISERABLY cold weather, gloomy skies, skyrocketing gas bills, and still without baseball. What about winter is better than spring? Or summer? Perhaps even fall? The only good thing I can think of is that without winter we can’t have spring or fall. Which is disappointing, but still fine. I’ll take a year of summer over having one winter any day.

If you like winter you haven’t really compared it to other seasons, like summer. Which is amazing.



“That’s sexist!”

I think you meant sexy, and hot, and not winter.

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