Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Seven Degrees of Going to a Party


We all get that urge to binge on cheap alcohol and talk shop in social settings. Most of us create pretty great memories at high school house parties, laid back college outings, and post graduation themed excuses for getting shitty and losing your dignity. The problem with these outings is that sometimes the people you go out to mingle with end up being kind of ridiculous. Now I don’t want to sway you from “getting down”, because if we didn’t party, what else would we do? Be productive? Right…
The people who attend parties can be good, bad, drunk and everything in between.

1.      The Drunk Way Too Early Guy-

The Drunk Way Too Early Guy usually attends all the HUGE parties, but you never see him anywhere else. The Drunk Way Too Early Guy never learned the art of controlling his liquor and hiding his gaping vagina from crowds. (Fun note* Most male vaginas are created due to the body’s responsiveness towards not being able to handle alcohol.) The Drunk Way Too Early Guy starts the night off with a round of shots and wraps the night up by spilling Hawaiian punch onto your white carpeted floor. But these aren’t even his most annoying points.  The worst thing is that The Drunk Way Too early Guy never even thinks he is drunk.

(While he bums a smoke, hits on your girlfriend, and throws back some vanilla vodka, all at once, at ten PM)
“Hey man, go sit down for a bit, I think you’ve had too much”

(Great, now he’s broken your favorite soup bowl. The bowl your grandmother Iva bought you as a welcome to college present.)
“I’m not drunk, it’s ten! Who gets drunk at ten!?!

“Frank, you’re drunk, eat some bread and sit down!

“Fuck you, man. I- uh. What were we talking about?”

Good thing to know, he’s down and out by midnight, so you still have a few good hours of party time left without him.

2.      The Drunk Way Too Early Girl-

The Drunk Way Too Early Girl is basically half the female population. It’s not their fault. They were created with tiny physiques that basically have no resistance to alcohol. Most women learn how to pace their drunkenness throughout the night, but the younger ones, and usually more ridiculous, never even think about holding back. They’re throwing down Jaeger, vomiting up tacos, and telling everybody at the party “How fucking drunk they are”. In my opinion, if someone has to mention that they are drunk, there are only two reasons why-

A: They’re really fucking drunk.
B: They really love attention.

In the case of Drunk Way Too Early Girl, it’s almost always both.
However, they’re asleep by eleven, and thank God for that.

3.      The I Talk Way Too Loud And Express My Opinions Way Too Thoroughly Guy-

This guy has already proclaimed himself as the smartest man in the room, and goddamn it you are going to hear what he has to say. You will hear what he has to say regardless of whether or not you are even having a conversation with him. Which is unfortunate because he doesn’t drink. Or smoke. Or anything. He just talks about shit no one cares to argue about, but him. He usually considers himself “straight edge”. Which apparently is a movement or something now?

Straight Edge people are idiots. Not because they don’t drink, but because they think there are saying something by doing it. They listen to hardcore music and REALLY want you to know about how cool they are. Good for you Straight Edge Guy, you don’t do drugs or alcohol. I don’t care. I think you’re missing out, but if you don’t want to drink, I’m fine with it.

“You OK with that?”

“Yes Straight Edge Guy, I am.”

“Do you understand my message?”

“No.”

Why do they define themselves by the name “straight edge”? Why can’t they just say no to alcohol for personal and moral reasons, but not call themselves anything? They would just be regular people, not dicks, and I would respect the shit out of that. BUT because they think they have a movement, all these 18-23 year old metal-band straight edged assholes run around talking politics and not taking showers. I have plenty of friends that don’t drink; you’re not a part of anything, except maybe good health. Congrats. Leave the party and shut the hell up.

4.     Too Cool For School People-

These people go to parties but do not participate. They drink their 12 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and sit in the corner. They talk amongst themselves and reject most outside conversations. If you didn’t want to have a good time, you should have stayed home. And when you try to join them outside for a chain-smoking marathon, their conversations are about some art piece at the Getty. OHHHH… I get it now! You guys are artists! Of course elitist artists don’t go to REGULAR parties and talk to COMMON people. They sulk and pretend like they’re above it all. Unfortunately for us, they’re not above it all, because, well, they’re here.

Also, if you have more than ten dollars in your wallet, don’t buy Pabst. For one, Pabst sucks, and two, you don’t look cool drinking it. Unless of course you drink it because you think it's ironic. The fact that you're buying it. The irony of not being poor, but buying a poor man's beer. I don't know.

People who think they're artists are elitist douche bags that are pretending to be something they aren't.

5.      The Dancers-

The Dancers aren’t usually that bad, but more of a minor annoyance. They came to the party in hopes of dancing. (Whether or not it’s that kind of party) So once the clock strikes eleven and they’ve had four or five vodka gimlets, the living room turns into a dance party.

The “Dance party” is in all actuality about three people doing dance moves in a circle for about forty-five minutes. Strobe lights come on, music gets louder, the kitchen light goes off, and three people dance. Fucking Save it. Now all the conversationalists have to relocate because a few people NEED to dance. Just don’t do it. Please. They have places called clubs for this. Which I would never actually recommend going to. http://www.tunadesire.com/2010/10/clubs-suck.html

Now suddenly you’re the bad guy for not having rhythm at a party. Thanks dancing dick heads, now get the fuck at of my house. Keep in mind, I don't carry strobe lights and dance music, they just magically show up when I throw parties. Then I feel bad for not allowing dancing at my own party. By the way MGMT is officially shitty party music, TURN IT OFF.

6.      The I Brought My Guitar Guy-

This guy brings his guitar EVERYWHERE. But this guy is no idiot; he knows exactly what he’s doing. He taught himself a couple of chords last summer and practiced the lyrics to Wonderwall by Oasis three weeks prior to the party. He can’t really play; he just fakes it to impress the ladies. Most males know exactly what he’s up to, but most females are too drunk to see it coming. Guess what Guitar Guy? If you don’t get laid, you might as well go home, because everyone else hates you. Especially the real musicians who didn’t bring their instruments with them, because real musicians don’t fucking do that. We will secretly despise you all night long. Now that you know, don’t do it.

7.      The Seventeen Year Old-
 

This one I’m usually OK with. Heck, I drank when I was seventeen. There are two cases in which I do not approve. A LOT of high school kids are not as cool as I was in High School. Most of them can’t handle their liquor. They really want to talk to you so they can prove how old they think they are, which results in them being stupid drunk, annoying, and two dumb remarks away from being sent home with my foot. These kids are a toss up. Every party has one, and it can go either way.

Now the real problem with age is that girls these days are not even close to looking like what I remember. In a criminal kind of way. I remember girls being seventeen and looking fifteen. Seventeen-year-old girls in Los Angeles look twenty two. TWENTY TWO. Most high school girls put on WAY too much eyeliner and talk about how many beer pong games they’ve lost at. Not anymore. These girls dress well and have mastered the art of lying skankery. These little, I emphasize little, surprises at parties, mixed with copious amounts of alcohol can result in a VERY bad court case three months down the line when you try avoid conversations with the little brat. But that’s why I’m here to warn you.

Parties can be great fun if you avoid all the assholes.

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