Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Seven Degrees of Going to a Party

We all get that urge to binge on cheap alcohol and talk shop in social settings. Most of us create pretty great memories at high school house parties, laid back college outings, and post graduation themed excuses for getting shitty and losing your dignity. The problem with these outings is that sometimes the people you go out to mingle with end up being kind of ridiculous. Now I don’t want to sway you from “getting down”, because if we didn’t party, what else would we do? Be productive? Right…
The people who attend parties can be good, bad, drunk and everything in between.

1.      The Drunk Way Too Early Guy-

The Drunk Way Too Early Guy usually attends all the HUGE parties, but you never see him anywhere else. The Drunk Way Too Early Guy never learned the art of controlling his liquor and hiding his gaping vagina from crowds. (Fun note* Most male vaginas are created due to the body’s responsiveness towards not being able to handle alcohol.) The Drunk Way Too Early Guy starts the night off with a round of shots and wraps the night up by spilling Hawaiian punch onto your white carpeted floor. But these aren’t even his most annoying points.  The worst thing is that The Drunk Way Too early Guy never even thinks he is drunk.

(While he bums a smoke, hits on your girlfriend, and throws back some vanilla vodka, all at once, at ten PM)
“Hey man, go sit down for a bit, I think you’ve had too much”

(Great, now he’s broken your favorite soup bowl. The bowl your grandmother Iva bought you as a welcome to college present.)
“I’m not drunk, it’s ten! Who gets drunk at ten!?!

“Frank, you’re drunk, eat some bread and sit down!

“Fuck you, man. I- uh. What were we talking about?”

Good thing to know, he’s down and out by midnight, so you still have a few good hours of party time left without him.

2.      The Drunk Way Too Early Girl-

The Drunk Way Too Early Girl is basically half the female population. It’s not their fault. They were created with tiny physiques that basically have no resistance to alcohol. Most women learn how to pace their drunkenness throughout the night, but the younger ones, and usually more ridiculous, never even think about holding back. They’re throwing down Jaeger, vomiting up tacos, and telling everybody at the party “How fucking drunk they are”. In my opinion, if someone has to mention that they are drunk, there are only two reasons why-

A: They’re really fucking drunk.
B: They really love attention.

In the case of Drunk Way Too Early Girl, it’s almost always both.
However, they’re asleep by eleven, and thank God for that.

3.      The I Talk Way Too Loud And Express My Opinions Way Too Thoroughly Guy-

This guy has already proclaimed himself as the smartest man in the room, and goddamn it you are going to hear what he has to say. You will hear what he has to say regardless of whether or not you are even having a conversation with him. Which is unfortunate because he doesn’t drink. Or smoke. Or anything. He just talks about shit no one cares to argue about, but him. He usually considers himself “straight edge”. Which apparently is a movement or something now?

Straight Edge people are idiots. Not because they don’t drink, but because they think there are saying something by doing it. They listen to hardcore music and REALLY want you to know about how cool they are. Good for you Straight Edge Guy, you don’t do drugs or alcohol. I don’t care. I think you’re missing out, but if you don’t want to drink, I’m fine with it.

“You OK with that?”

“Yes Straight Edge Guy, I am.”

“Do you understand my message?”


Why do they define themselves by the name “straight edge”? Why can’t they just say no to alcohol for personal and moral reasons, but not call themselves anything? They would just be regular people, not dicks, and I would respect the shit out of that. BUT because they think they have a movement, all these 18-23 year old metal-band straight edged assholes run around talking politics and not taking showers. I have plenty of friends that don’t drink; you’re not a part of anything, except maybe good health. Congrats. Leave the party and shut the hell up.

4.     Too Cool For School People-

These people go to parties but do not participate. They drink their 12 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and sit in the corner. They talk amongst themselves and reject most outside conversations. If you didn’t want to have a good time, you should have stayed home. And when you try to join them outside for a chain-smoking marathon, their conversations are about some art piece at the Getty. OHHHH… I get it now! You guys are artists! Of course elitist artists don’t go to REGULAR parties and talk to COMMON people. They sulk and pretend like they’re above it all. Unfortunately for us, they’re not above it all, because, well, they’re here.

Also, if you have more than ten dollars in your wallet, don’t buy Pabst. For one, Pabst sucks, and two, you don’t look cool drinking it. Unless of course you drink it because you think it's ironic. The fact that you're buying it. The irony of not being poor, but buying a poor man's beer. I don't know.

People who think they're artists are elitist douche bags that are pretending to be something they aren't.

5.      The Dancers-

The Dancers aren’t usually that bad, but more of a minor annoyance. They came to the party in hopes of dancing. (Whether or not it’s that kind of party) So once the clock strikes eleven and they’ve had four or five vodka gimlets, the living room turns into a dance party.

The “Dance party” is in all actuality about three people doing dance moves in a circle for about forty-five minutes. Strobe lights come on, music gets louder, the kitchen light goes off, and three people dance. Fucking Save it. Now all the conversationalists have to relocate because a few people NEED to dance. Just don’t do it. Please. They have places called clubs for this. Which I would never actually recommend going to.

Now suddenly you’re the bad guy for not having rhythm at a party. Thanks dancing dick heads, now get the fuck at of my house. Keep in mind, I don't carry strobe lights and dance music, they just magically show up when I throw parties. Then I feel bad for not allowing dancing at my own party. By the way MGMT is officially shitty party music, TURN IT OFF.

6.      The I Brought My Guitar Guy-

This guy brings his guitar EVERYWHERE. But this guy is no idiot; he knows exactly what he’s doing. He taught himself a couple of chords last summer and practiced the lyrics to Wonderwall by Oasis three weeks prior to the party. He can’t really play; he just fakes it to impress the ladies. Most males know exactly what he’s up to, but most females are too drunk to see it coming. Guess what Guitar Guy? If you don’t get laid, you might as well go home, because everyone else hates you. Especially the real musicians who didn’t bring their instruments with them, because real musicians don’t fucking do that. We will secretly despise you all night long. Now that you know, don’t do it.

7.      The Seventeen Year Old-

This one I’m usually OK with. Heck, I drank when I was seventeen. There are two cases in which I do not approve. A LOT of high school kids are not as cool as I was in High School. Most of them can’t handle their liquor. They really want to talk to you so they can prove how old they think they are, which results in them being stupid drunk, annoying, and two dumb remarks away from being sent home with my foot. These kids are a toss up. Every party has one, and it can go either way.

Now the real problem with age is that girls these days are not even close to looking like what I remember. In a criminal kind of way. I remember girls being seventeen and looking fifteen. Seventeen-year-old girls in Los Angeles look twenty two. TWENTY TWO. Most high school girls put on WAY too much eyeliner and talk about how many beer pong games they’ve lost at. Not anymore. These girls dress well and have mastered the art of lying skankery. These little, I emphasize little, surprises at parties, mixed with copious amounts of alcohol can result in a VERY bad court case three months down the line when you try avoid conversations with the little brat. But that’s why I’m here to warn you.

Parties can be great fun if you avoid all the assholes.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Winter Sucks a Big One. Get Over It.

Since a lot of my work requires me to be inside, sometimes the weather sneaks up on me. I’ll be working indoors for ten to fifteen hours, walk outside, and it’s fucking raining. Where the fuck did the rain come from? This time: I went to work on November 1st; it was a hundred fucking degrees out. I got out of work on November 6th; it was fucking fifty. Not only was I angry that I worked six days straight without any sleep, I was also pissed that I forgot my jacket. Who the hell thought up weather anyway? God!? What a jerk. But no. No way. This isn’t about weather as much as it’s about seasons, and truth be told, winter fucking sucks. Get over it.

“I love this time of year! I love the changing seasons.”

No, you love how the leaves change color. Go fuck yourself.

“I love the snow.”

No, you love the snow for the first week, then you can’t get into your car, your driveway is blocked in, your kids are at home driving you crazy because of these bullshit snow days, and you’re fucking shoveling piles of white powder on your day off. Eventually these snow piles collect dirt, residue, and snot from your kids, and it ends up turning into frozen wads of what's under your couch. "Oh how pretty. Look at the White snow." For a day. Fuck snow.

“I love the fashion.”

Fashion? You love the winter fashion? What about giant jackets make you look cute? What is it about snow boots that make you comfortable? The only people who like winter fashion are females. Nope. Not even. The only people that like winter fashions are fat people, because they’re fat. (Fat people are cursed with big fat covered bodies. In the winter everyone covers their bodies with giant fat coats. Hence, during the winter all fat people are like regular people. That's why most fat people, like me for example, look to New Years as the only time of the year to get laid. Alcohol + giant coats = surprise bitch.)

“It’s the Holiday season, you Satanist!”

The holidays suck.

1. If you were once doing OK, you are now broke.

2. Let’s play the “How many times can I tell people I’m a loser, without actually explaining my life situation to relatives” game. Keep in mind that we have Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years to get through.

“Sorry Aunt May, I still don’t have a job.”

“No Uncle Sven I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“Grandma, I told you. Stephanie took the kids and I have them every OTHER Christmas.”

3. You never get anyone anything THEY actually like; you never get anything YOU actually like. Save the money, get drunk, invest into the avatar version of a Flesh Light, which will be on sale this Christmas with the promotion of AvatarXXX. If you do not know what a Flesh Light is you're a female and I recommend spending the money on a purse of your choosing.

4. There are too many Holidays to count and too many religions to give a shit about. Let’s play the “how many motherfuckers with a religious rights agenda I can offend” game.

“Merry Christmas to you good sir.”

“SIR, I AM JEWISH! And VERY proud!”

“Sorry, I couldn’t tell. Maybe I should stereotype more.”

“Happy Hanukkah to you good sir”


“You celebrate what!?!”

“Happy Holidays!”

“I’m an atheist and none of this makes sense!!!”

5. Our government controls holidays in order to create consumerism to help benefit the economy. And the ad agencies.

6. Been a long time since you've been home? Do you want to talk to everyone from your old High School? Me neither, High School sucked.

7. Also, how creepy is the idolization of Santa Clause? We tell kids not to talk to strangers, but are completely fine letting them think it's okay for a fat man in a jump suit to come barreling down our chimney's. So we can't talk to strangers until they break into our houses. "Sorry all of our shit is gone Santa Clause took it." Or a man that looked like Santa Clause. Talk about setting bad habits.

“It’s about family.”

Is it? Is it really? I love my family enough to schedule a time to see them with or without Christmas. Unless they live out of country. Then I will not.

“It’s about giving!”

Probably an ad you read once, and it stuck, because that’s their fucking job.

What about after the Holidays? Where are we then? Three months of MISERABLY cold weather, gloomy skies, skyrocketing gas bills, and still without baseball. What about winter is better than spring? Or summer? Perhaps even fall? The only good thing I can think of is that without winter we can’t have spring or fall. Which is disappointing, but still fine. I’ll take a year of summer over having one winter any day.

If you like winter you haven’t really compared it to other seasons, like summer. Which is amazing.



“That’s sexist!”

I think you meant sexy, and hot, and not winter.