Sunday, October 31, 2010

Vegas for the Poor and Discheveled

Ever been to the bar at four in the morning? Ever been to the bar at four in the morning only to be continually harassed by the ugliest prostitutes on the face of the earth? No!?!? Then do I have the place for you! Las Vegas, Nevada. Vegas is the land of the free, but many people think that just because you can barely afford the plane ticket over means that you can't have a good time. Not true. It's the land of the free because you can basically survive on scrap meat and cheap thrills. This is Sin City's new bible for being drunk without style.

(First I need to make one thing clear, what happens in Vegas does not stay in Vegas, and that is a stupid fucking slogan for a town full of Hookers and Casinos. I've seen friends of mine fall for the 25 dollar special hanging out in the hotel lobby, and believe me I'm holding that over their heads until the day I fall dead in my grave. The only thing that Vegas leaves behind is your dignity. And your pride. And maybe some of your soul. Other than that, have fun. It's fucking Vegas).

1) The absolute best part about Vegas are the hooker cards. Scratch that. Absolute best part about Vegas are the Mexican migrant workers pan handling them outside the strip. These fuckers are so god damn good at what they do it almost leaves you in awe. I walked through the strip dodging every hooker promoter I saw, but still wound up with eight cards in my pocket. They REALLY want you to take their cards. In fact they are so fucking good at what they do I have no doubt in my mind they earn full benefits and 401K. Oh, and they are everywhere.

But what really got me.

If you actually get tired of just watching the magnificent mother fuckers, you can join! And Join is what I did. No money? You end up with hundreds of cards at the end of the night. Set up shop for the next day and bask in the famous casino game we call "one-shitty-fucking-way to make a living." Of course you're not on for hire. Not yet. But out perform some of the slackers and BAM! Paid job. Broke no more. Thank you Vegas.

2) Penny-slot give away. Don't have cash? Need a drink? If you have a dollar I recommend finding the penny slots and pressing 1-line at the slowest pace possible. Waitress comes by takes your order. No pay, no hassle, just patience. Can't afford the tip? Fuck it, Vegas is full of casinos. She won't remember you in a a couple hours, diversify, come back, drink again.

(The actual truth behind this technique is that you don't even need to spend a dollar on the game, you just have to look like your about to. Get your timing right, slide in when she's taking orders. Sit down, pull out your wallet, yawn, sneeze, stretch, doesn't matter. When she comes back push buttons, they don't know what the fucks going on.)

Honestly you can get pretty drunk for nothing but the wear and tear on your walking shoes. I prefer Nike but some like Reebok. Crocs are unacceptable in Vegas unless you stay at the Bellagio, and in that case fuck you.

3) Strip club promoters giving you a hard time? Give em' one back. Strip club promoters are the sneakiest of all people in Vegas. Once you think you are about to make a friend you get suckered into some direct marketing scheme about a free limo ride and some Grey Goose Vodka poured down a strippers panties. Sounds great until you're forced to spend forty bucks at the bar by the bouncer. The trick is to pretend like you are one of them. Start a rivalry. Find out their techniques and befriend them first. "Hey man, great talk, you seem cool let me buy you a drink, listen to you talk about stuff" (He isn't, but you're on to his bull shit, and at this point he's stoked about having someone to trick into going to his shitty club) "But before I get ya' that beer, how about a free limo ride over to strip club, I'll give you a beer in the limo, walk you to the stripper, and all you have to pay is 78 bucks!" At this point he doesn't know what the fuck is going on. He just re-evaluated his life choices and secretly started hating himself.

One mistake you shouldn't make is calling one of the cards they give you- in hopes of fucking with them later. (Or prove that they are in fact real people and your not calling a robot built by Satan to strip the soul straight from your body.. Not that that's what I did.) Because now you're about to get messaged for three days straight about his offers, or if you're in promoter mode, how his offers are better than yours.

4) Count the whores. I used to do this as a kid. It's always so obvious when you spot them in downtown Los Angeles. But in downtown Las Vegas? No so much. Hookers look like you and I. Regular people. But by themselves. In Vegas. Talking to me. In fact I should have seen them coming from a mile away. Somewhere between the sixtieth beer things stop making sense.

(On a different note. If you want to go to Vegas to meet a nice normal well put together girl your better off staying at home. I didn't meet one normal female in the entire city. Not saying they don't exist, just that they don't exist in Vegas.)

You'll find them at the bars in the earliest hours of the morning. Or you will find them in mid conversation when they secretly slip something like "Yeah my friends are all in prison, and I'm going around fucking people to bail them out" Good angle, not only are you NOT a prostitute, but a noble friend. Of course I'll pay you a thousand dollars to touch my wiener- cute normal female.

"So what you're trying to say is you have sex for money".

Never mention that you know that they are indeed prostitutes. They will yell at you for hours, causing the security to get involved, and destroying what buzz you once conjured up from free penny-slot drinks.

5) Wanna be the best poker player in Vegas but not spend anything doing it? Do you have a hat that you find interesting? Do you have a pair of really big sunglasses? Do you enjoy listening to your I-pod/mp3 player in public? Then poker is the sport for you. "Buy-in" at the poker table but don't actually play. Sit there, fold, listen to music, and wear your stupid wardrobe inside and at night. Not only will the players not know you're making fun of them, they will think you're a fucking professional. If you wanna throw em' for a loop just bet a hand every now and then and scare the fuck out of them. You don't even need to know if it's good or not. You'll probably end up winning five bucks in the process. (Then take that five bucks to the bar, or a whore, where things make sense.)

Poker in Vegas for Dummies. By Tuna Sauce.

"People think I'm good at poker because of these ridiculous glasses, but I"M JUST FAT AND STUPID!"

Monday, October 4, 2010

Clubs Suck.

Every time I get suckered into pursuing a night of "club hopping" or "Clubbing" I have a completely different idea of what it's going to be like. My imagination allows me to believe it's going to be about one hundred gorgeous females freak dancing all over the place while they circle around me break dancing my way into the middle of the dance floor. Then I turn off Step Up-2 "The Streets", throw away "Dirty Dancing", and realize I can't dance. Nor Do I want to.

And then.. I walk into the club..

Where's the hundreds of beautiful females? Yes, maybe there's one, POSSIBLY two. Most likely you are going to get a picture like the one above. You get that plus forty or fifty guys who just got done watching jersey shore and playing gay frat games that revolve around touching each others wieners. Does that sound fun to you? Have you ever played "bag the biggest bitch" in College? *Clears throat* Yeah.. Me neither..

Have you noticed that girls in clubs, parties, bars whom are shorter then 5/4 and wear heals shuffle walk? I am dubbing it the penguin because that's what they look like, especially when accompanied by a black dress. And no it's usually not attractive as it reminds me of a four-year-old..

Walking penguin.

Another growing problem in the clubs is the music. DJ's do not play T.V. On The Radio. In fact DJ's play every song I've heard on hip-hop/RnB radio in the past two months. What has been popular? Fucking Justin Beiber? No thanks.

And fuck, all DJ's suck. Club Disc Jockey's make their money by changing, mixing, and manipulating songs in a clever poppy way. Well it's ruining the integrity of the artists (although I do not know what integrity a group like Far East Movement can possible have left) , and they are butchering the songs. And they never FUCKING finish a song. Which is proof once again this generation has an ever growing problem of attention deficit disorder. (Refer to: "Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World"). That one time in the night he plays something I like, It gets fucked in the ass and cut off thirty seconds into it. Fuck you.

Far East Movement- Lyrics-
Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard Sippin sizzurp in my ride, in my ride, like Three 6 Now I'm feelin so fly like a G6

If you didn't guess "Fly like a G6" is the song name.

And for all of you normal people out there who don't know what the fuck any of those words mean, Urban Dictionary was invented.

Slizzard- A state of high intoxication from Alcohol.
(For when drunk is just way too complicated to say)

I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume Three-6 is referring to Three-6 Mafia, the rap group that first popularized the idea of drinking a syrup alcohol based drink that get's you slizzard as fuck.

Either way it's stupid. It's stupid and this song alone should be reason enough to never go to a club again.

And if that isn't a good enough reason, alcoholic beverages are priced at extraordinarily stupid rates. You're looking at seven to eight dollars for a beer, and ten or more dollars for a cocktail. So bring a flask, or don't drink at all. But who the fuck would go to a club and not get drunk? You need liquid confidence to have sex with the fat chicks that occupy most of the dance floor/smoking section.

But fat girls need love too?

I admit it, yes they do. But they don't need to be dancing. With/by/ or around me.

Going to the club is like being punched in the face by everything you hated about high school dances and then some.


This guy goes to clubs-