Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Internet Cats- The love hate relationship.




Okay, I'm a sucker for internet cats like the next guy. Lets all be honest they fucking rock. Internet cats always lighten the mood, and always seem to be popping up. Everywhere. All the time. Which is fine. Because like I said, cats on the internet rule.

BUT

Do you know what's great about cats in real life?

Absolutely nothing.

Top 5 reasons why cats on the internet rock compared to cats in real life.

1- Cats online are funny, where as cats in real life are not. In fact I've been alone with four cats for three days, and all they've done is follow me around meowing like a broken fucking record player. I'm walking away from you for a reason cat, you're jokes suck and you're fucking annoying.

(which leads me to the next bulletin)

2- Cats online require ZERO maintenance, absolutely none. I see a cat picture, smile, laugh, etc.. then I turn the mother fucker off and go eat a sandwich. I see this lump of fur next to me, frown, grimace, scratch the dander out of my eyes, then have it follow me around. Cat.. I don't like you..

3- Litterboxes- Are you serious cat? Go outside or in the toilet like a normal animal. Oh wait, there's a cat online that can go in the toilet, be more like him. I ABSOLUTELY HATE cleaning a fucking litter box. I hate litter boxes almost as much as I hate the idea of cleaning a babies dirty ass after taking a shit in his lumpy diaper. Reason number two why I don't think I can ever have kids. (More on that later).

4- Cats in real life make your eyes puffy, skin scratchy, hair itchy, mouth full of hair, and shirts covered in dander. Cats online don't have any of these side effects.

5- And the ultimate reason why cats online are better than real cats, is that real cats, DON"T DO THE CRAZY SHIT THAT ONLINE CATS DO. My cats are boring as fuck. They don't do anything interesting. I'm pretty sure every cat online is absolutely fucking insane off its rocker. Or the owner home grows cat nip and force injects it into their brain. Cats don't do this shit unprovoked, and I'm too damn lazy to put my cat through the nagging obstacles it would take to make it chase a bear down the street or smack a top hat off it's kitten. WHERE DO YOU GET TOP HATS THAT SMALL? SERIOUSLY? The owner fucking makes them. So cats are only as interesting and insane as their owner. And therefore if your not insane, don't get a fucking cat, and enjoy the retarded furry fuckheads from the privacy of your own laptop.